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HP C309: Why Don’t You Suck on my Juicy Donkey Sphincter

Helwett Packard, I can’t believe what a fucking shit-soaked rag you are.

I’m trying to print from my fucking laptop. So I go to download the driver. First, your website is a shit fuck. The OS list has shit like “Windows XP’ followed by “Windows XP Professional” and they link to different driver packages. What the fuck? Mind you, if you don’t install the full fucking monty, you can’t check ink levels and will inevitably have to go cuss at the fucking printer when it doesn’t print and shows you some stupid warning on its tit-sucking shit cock display.

So I download the 200 MB. How many more years until we have to become sustainable on the Internet? Anyway, having installed this piece of ass numerous times, I decided this time to extract  the package and see if I could install only the two things I wanted: the “solution” center and the god damn drivers.

Once you extract the fucker there are about a shittillion directories and files. Totally undecipherable. OK, I’ll fucking install the whole thing. Yes I agree with your fucking agreement. When do I get you to agree to mine, you dirty cunt whore ass fucker?

So, it installs away, interrupting my work with numerous focus steals. Fuck Windows for that one. Shit. Then I immediately go to the control panel to start cleaning up the mess, since you have no option but to install every fucking piece of trash ass condom gunk that the fucking package includes.

Funnies thing is, the largest component is  the “HP Customer Participation Program” at a whopping 313 MB. Are you fucking kidding me? The drivers are 35 MB and the imaging software and “solution” center are each 2. What the mother fucking fuck, you fucker.

So I uninstall the first thing. I can’t remember what it was called, because I have rage amnesia right now. Why? Because right when I was done uninstalling that, in the middle of an email, I remember why I should have written this post last time I went through this shit.

The fucking ass reboots your mother fucking computer as if it owned your skanky ass when you hit finish at the end.

Of course, HP. I have nothing else to do. Not only that, this is definitely the last piece of shitty software I have to uninstall today.  All your other shit programs, including your ass hungry 300 MB customer fucking service, will remain on my machine so that I may be reminded about the shittiness of your fucking turd chode (choad?).

I just verified that the “web printing shit tit” or whatever doesn’t reboot your computer without asking. Gee HP, was that fucking hard?

Then I go uninstall the massive customer rape program. I get a warning that I shouldn’t do it if I plan on using the HP drivers, and how I need to unplug my device. So is this shit going to uninstall the driver and I’ll have to start over with this fucking charade? So I click on “Uninstall info”:

This software can help you receive additional benefits only available to HP printing customers. Once this software is installed, you will have an opportunity to participate in market research designed to improve HP products and experiences. An invitation will appear on your screen in a few weeks and you can choose whether or not to participate at that time. Customers who do a lot of printing may also receive an invitation to participate in programs with benefits such as special offers, awards and enhanced technical support.

So let’s see: you’re counting how many pages I print, so you can ask me questions about how you can improve? I hope you also get a copy of everything I print so you can fine tune how fast this drunk bitch lushes through the ink cartridges.

Oh, and instead of answering a questionnaire, can I just send you a link?

And what’s the message the fucking software tells you before it reboots? Not something like “Your computer will reboot after you hit Finish.” It says: “Uninstall will finish after your computer reboots.” That must be cheap labor English for “Please reboot your computer at your convenience so the installation can finish.”

And you know what else? That screen has locked me out of Opera. I can’t use Opera until I close it. What the fuck? I had to use the Windows key to get the start menu so I could run Internet Sexplorer. So I guess you know what browser I use to cuss about you, too, right? Fuck you, Hewlett Packard Premium Fax C309. Fuck You.

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