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Craftsman 16-gal 6.5-peak hp Wet/Dry Vac

Dude. What the fuck. Do you fucking ass cocks actually vacuum anything? Have you ever seen a shop vac in your fucking lives?

I’ve been crawling around some tight spaces with a vacuum very similar to this 6.5 whorepower, 16 shitlon unit. The difference is that the one I have doesn’t have a detachable blowjob machine, which is good since the construction on this thing is like a paper-mache (yeah, fuck the French) model of a shitty model of a piece of shit stuck on some long nut hairs.

Who's the shop vac?


This is on the third page of a google image search for "sears shop vac".

Hey. Attachments are nice. You know what’s nicer? Making them not fall out of each other when you give the hose a tug. Yeah, can you believe it?

Cord management? Barely. It’s better than the rigidanus, but still—what the fuck happened to the tug-n-suck cord reels? And who the fuck actually wants to wind the fucking cord around the vacuum, then unwind it when they want to use it? The solution is simple: put two fucking hooks on the god damn thing, and make one of them swivel so when you want to use the fucking vacuum you just flip the hook and—like magic—the cord is ready to be tossed towards the nearest outlet.

Also, what the fuck is up with shitty wheels? If you put 16 gallons of air in this thing it barely rolls. You’re telling me this thing can be full of water and not collapse into itself? Bullshit. Also it seems their solution to the magic of gravity (pressure equals rho gee aych, bitch) is to make this thing as big around as their fucking assembly line would allow. Seriously, you have to clean out your garage before you can use this thing in there. What the fuck?

But of course, I saved the best for last. Do you see where the fucking exhaust is? Go back to the pictures. See that fucking pom-pom sticking out of the side? When you fucking lose that pom pom, which you will, because you’ll want to remove as many restrictions as possible to get this turd shit to actually suck, the exhaust shoots sideways and towards the front. Yes, towards you, the guy who’s trying to not blow dust in the air by blowing it around. Guess what happens when you get that exhaust near a wall? That’s right. Instant fucking wind tunnel, featuring dirt tornadoes blowing fucking cockroach babies right into your fucking tear ducts. Nice work.

I swear I could do better with a leaf blower, some tupper ware, a furniture dolly, and some fucking duct tape. Fuck.