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Gran Turismo 5

I was a big fan of Gran Turismo. Man, that was fucking amazing.

I was a fan of all of them. Gran Turismo was really cool. Then in Gran Turismo 2 came out. We tuners lost the ability to see the power curve in the screen where the gear ratios are set, but we got 600+ cars, and you could convert anything into a race car. Shit, I remember souping up a Daihatsu mini-truck and got it to hit 80 MPH.

Then Gran Turismo 3 came out. I bought a PS2 only for that game. Yes, the graphics were awesome. Car selection… meh. But I played Super License Test 6 for at least three years before I got gold. You heard me. All my top 10 times were within 10 milliseconds by that point. I remember the night I did it. I had a cigarette. And some cold pizza. Fuck yeah.

Honestly I can’t even remember Gran Turismo 4. Of course I bought it. Maybe I was getting too old. Or maybe the 17 year wait was too fucking much. But you know, I think I just got sick of it. I remember the game just pissing me off. There was a race full of shitty muscle cars that was really hard to beat. When I was much farther down the game, I entered some ridiculous supercar into the race. For revenge, I went the wrong way to smash head first straight into the fucker in first place. My car went all over the fucking place from the impact. When it finally settled, there was that mother fucker, casually rounding a turn as if nothing had happened. Fucking cheater!

Needless to say I had no intention of getting Gran Turismo 5, especially since I’d have to shell out for a PS3. But I had been playing games at friends’ houses, and after being sick for 3 weeks I really missed having a video game to waste my life on. So I did it. I bought the fucking thing, and also a shooting game to take out my frustration.

The shooting game blows. I’m stuck in easy mode in some dumb ass fucking mission where a bunch of VC pop up in your face and the rest of the US Marine Corps is too busy choking their chickens to actually give you some cover fire.

Anyway. Back to GT5. What sucks about it? Everything.

1. What the fuck. You can’t upgrade the brakes in the cars? Did you just fucking forget? What the mother cunt licking fuck? So I’m going to put 1200 HP in my Nismo Tokyo Edition Nissan GTR-S Spec H Hybrid Turbo Diesel Direct Injected Sphincter Burn Type R but I’m stuck with stock brakes? Fucking lame.

2. Load times. Holy fucking shit! The PS3 is supposed to be awesome. Why are you reading off a disc? Do you remember the last time you did anything from a disc on a PC? That’s because it’s fucking stupid-ass fucking slow. I think what makes it even worse is that the idiots at Polyidiot Analog didn’t make any fucking attempt to shorten the waits. You start the game. 45 seconds of loading and you’re mashing the X button desperately trying to skip the fucking intro, which is cool only the first fucking time, geniuses. Then you pause, because even decades of masturbation can’t get you physically fit for the button mashing you have to do in this fucking game. And blam. There’s the fucking intro. Oh, I get it. You were loading the intro this whole time, not the fucking game. What the fuck is wrong with you.

In some of the special events it’s fucking punishment to actually finish them. If you finish you have to stare at a fucking spinning trophy for like 15 seconds before it just spits you back out in the menu (instead of letting you restart). What the mother fucking ass fuck?

Oh, and then the car delivery. Holy shit. Cars don’t go into your garage directly. Why not? No fucking reason. Instead, you have to click on a truck, then click on the car, then say yes I want that fucking car, it belongs to me you stupid bitch, then it does a short cut scene showing your brand fucking new yellow pinto, then it asks you if you want to drive it, and at that point you can’t tell what’s going on because you’ve ripped the PS3 away from your TV and the power cord fell off.

Seriously! You spend half your fucking time waiting, or mashing buttons to start. The funny thing is that it even asks you when you first load it if it can copy 8 GB to the hard drive to speed up the loading. By all fucking means, please speed it up. Fucking christ.

Another thing it asks you at the start: pick your driving suit and helmet color (from like 9 combinations; god forbid they just let you pick whatever the fuck color you want) and it warns you you will be stuck with it forever. What the fuck? Are you serious? So fucking dumb.

I know exactly what happened. Back in 1968 when this game was already 10 years behind schedule, they designed the menu system. It was done by Tracy Yokogawa, neighbor of the cousin of the uncle of the head of Polyidiot Analog. She was an aspiring ballerina.

Back to basics

It's back to basics for me....

Then in 1989 when they started testing the game, they realized it took too fucking long, so they just went directly into the races and skipped all this bullshit. That coupled with the fact that I’m pretty sure those scrotum cleaners don’t burn a disc to test the game means they have no idea that it takes 10 years to play the game for 5 years.

Then you say, hell, I remember how useful it was to have my ghost racing around during a license test, so I could beat myself. In this game, you have to quit to the menu to have your best time update the ghost. More time wasted. Dude, trust me, by the time you get halfway through this game you’ll have three kids and a mortgage and no know how the fuck you even finished high school.

3. Thanks for ruining the game. All of us who religiously played the other ones were proud to say that after 18 months of playing it 5 hours a day we could finally afford sport tires for our Sprinter Trueno. In this game, you have a couple of daiquiris with Jeff Gordon and all of a sudden you have a million dollars. What the fuck? The special events pay way too much. Sure, there’s $20 million cars in the game, which is a crock of fucking shit, but there’s no struggle anymore. Hell, once you hit $500k you can pretty much beat the entire fucking game. So why even play? Who the fuck wants to win a trillion dollars going flat out in a turn in Talladega and then go race fucking Fiat Puntos around Hidden Valley Ranch Circuit?

It reminds me of when I found out that the save game in Privateer contained the pay for any uncompleted missions you could sign up for. Hex edit a 0xFF FF FF FF in there and you were done with the fucking game. Ruined forever.

But that’s not all. In GT5, the Super License tests were made into ass-sucking donkey rape victims. Look, the other tests where you had to pass x number of cars are a nice break from time trials, which are grueling. But making the Super License tests 1-lap races where you have to pass all the cars—and letting you bump off them like fucking bumper cars—completely ruins the challenge. All you have to do is hope the track has one tight turn and that you have enough opponents in front of you so that when you enema them with your fucking V8 there will be enough flesh to slow you down and get you facing the right way after the turn. You can get gold in no time. There’s only one test where it may take you more than 3 tries. Perhaps the best of them all is the Top Limey Test Track test, where you don’t even have to obey the cones. What the fuck is the point?

You may say, “Well, if you’re so worried that it’s easy to cheat, why don’t you just not cheat?” Good point, and fuck you in the mouth, you stupid shit fucker. Passing 12 cars in one lap is just fucking ridiculous, so I lose respect for the test. Give me a fucking time trial.

I heard that there was an update that turned the license tests into a joke. It seems when the game first came out, if any light reflected off your paint onto an opponents’, your car would blow up, the disc would eject from the PS3 and try to slice through your ball sack. Game ruined either way.

4. Japanese favoritism. Not to squeeze a moist turd between your toes, but in a race at Monza with 11 Ferraris (including the Enzo) and 1 Nissan Skycry GTR, the GTR would absolutely not be in first fucking place. All wheel drive or not, that’s just fucking ridiculous.

5. Traction control. Or rather, I should say, traction of your internal fucking organs, you insult to all driving “simulators”. In Forza Motorsport, I was such a hard core ass mother fucker I even turned off ABS. Holy shit, real F1 drivers have nothing on me. In Lame Turismo 5, they forgot to program the fucking PS3 to remember that you don’t fucking want traction control on. End result? You leave it on, because it takes 45 seconds of button mashing just to get to within 10 minutes of the start of the race, so fuck if you’re going to spend any more fucking time going into a god damned menu to turn off the abomination of the digital world. You know what traction control is for? Grandmas. That’s who. Donkey-raping, shit-eating, lama-sucking grandmas.

So yeah, it’s not that bad. Hell, I’m driving a car from a fucking office chair, thorough a mysterious rectangular window, holding some sort of electrified Japanese dildo which makes the car respond to my mind’s intentions.

But then you go have a banana split with Sebshitstian Loeb (who ruined WRC for me for ever) and traction control more gives the photographers a great opportunity to take low-light stills of your car, because guess what—racing on dirt or snow by definition is a low traction scenario.

And dude, if you’re simulating cars so fucking well, why does your traction control suck so much ass hair? It seems it kills the engine below 2000 RPM, and lets it all out at 2010 RPM. So unless you keep it at 2005, you’re fucked.

Honestly, I don’t know why I keep playing it. I think I’ll just fucking throw it out. I’ll burn the disc, maybe.

Now I’m stuck with a PS3. What a fucking shit crock. At least it’s a blue-ray player so it’s not a total loss.

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