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Fuck You and Your Mother, HP C309

You fuckin ass shit mother fucking cunt turd ass monkey. I hate you. I fucking hate you and your stupid happy addict sounds. I hate your fucking software, and I hate your fucking useless screen. I hope you fucking burn in hell ass fucker. You are such a scrotum tearing fuck donkey that I’m going to find a new printer and, when I do, I’m going to smash you to fucking bits, you fucking piece of shit.

Read my first impression, and my first-and-a-half impression, then follow below to see what is making me bumcuss so badly. So badly, in fact, I had to add a new sub-category to fuck me in the shit.

1. Low ink warning, you fucking dipshit.

I’m surprised the cartridges that came with the printer lasted more than a test page. The black ink more or less vaporized. Of course, once I decided to keep the printer I immediately ordered the “XL” cartridges. I figured, “With this beautiful color LCD on the printer, it will tell me when I am low on ink and tell me which cartridge to replace.” Fucking wrong, ass-fuck. The screen says something along the lines of, “Ink is low [motherfucker], go check your [motherfucking] computer to see which cartridge it is [, you motherfucking turd licking ass shit].” I cannot fucking believe it. This mother fucking printer with a fucking display is telling me to turn go to my fucking computer, run their pretty little ass software, to find out which ink cartridge it is. Fuck you and your mother, you bitch.

I'm going to give you to this kid, Premium Fax.

I'm going to give you to this kid, Premium Fax.

Now remember: their dramatic ignorant secretary software doesn’t run on XP 64. So I have to turn on a “normal” computer and run their fucking software. I don’t even know which fucking one it is, because they name things like “HP Central” and “HP Connect Corner” and “Unicorn roses ponies and rainbows”. Fuck you, HP. You haven’t made a decent calculator since Back to the Future.

Finally, after ending up in their only-30-minutes-to-load reinvent-the-wheel-badly picture library manager, I find the right program. Despereatly cussing in search of the ink level display, I scan the screen quickly and hit the “status” button, only to get a giant screen that says “your printer is connected”. No shit, fuck-dick. Finally I notice in the main screen there is a display near the top, a sort of bar graph showing ink levels, indicating one of the two black cartridges is low (evidently one is for text, and another for pictures). I assumed that the order in which they are shown on the screen is the order in which they are installed in the printer (if you’re facing the carrier from the display side of the printer). Luckily I guess correctly.

2. One button to copy, or 12?

You should have learned something from your fellow legend-burier Xerox. If I load a fucking original on the fucking glass, and I hit “copy” or “start”, then fucking start copying. Stop asking me fucking questions or telling me to load the fucking original, you cunt bag.

3. Can you count the number of pages in your donkey-shit-eating photo-interrupter?

As I write this, via the Microsoft Office Document Scannning application, I successfully scanned in a 21-page paper written in 1968 (on a typewriter). Kudos again to Microsoft. This little application is great. The pages are all perfectly algined, the horizontal figure in the paper is rotated so it is readable on the screen, and the process was flawless.

But what instigated this post is what happened with the 10-page contract I tried to scan in before.

First try: printer does one of its pretty jingles after about 5 pages, sucks in the next page, but the scanning application already thinks scanning is over. “Oh,” I said to myself, “I must have not made sure all the pages were up against the feeder.” So I try again.

Second try: stops at the same page. Fine, I’ll save these, scan in the rest, then combine them.

Third try: one more page goes through, jingle, one page gets run through but not received by the computer.

Fourth try: I switch to use the TWAIN interface to the scanner. Fucking HP splash screen seems to appear every 3 seconds. Fucking shit. Anyway, it scans all the pages, and then MS Document Scanning crashes. God only knows where the temp file is with all my pages in it.

Fifth try: back to non-TWAIN (WIA?). Stops on the same fucking page.

Sixth try: because MS Document Scanning is made to be for any scanner, there’s an option to “prompt for additional pages”. So I turn that on, and then I am able to get all the remaining pages at once, by waiting for the printer to stop, discard the next page, and refeeding it (twice) until it’s done with the remaining four pages.

What the fuck dude? This is some fucking bullshit. Whatever this idiot printer does to figure out if it’s done seems to be related to the page itself, because I seriously doubt that it’s coincidence that it stopped on the same page three times. Plus, the paper I scanned in afterwards proceeded without a flaw….