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Windows Media Center Review

Let me tell you something about Windows Media Center (WMC).

WMC is a great fucking program to turn you fucking computer into a god-damned free TiVo. Scheduling information is free so anyone who charges for it can go fuck themselves. Also, it comes with Windows 7 so you can basically sit on your shitty couch and fuck yourself from there. Moreover it has awesome plug-ins so that baby-bleeders like Netflix and the fucking chodes in Hollywood that decided to fuck you over when you buy a CockRay drive for your computer can sell you fucking half-written shitty software to watch a fucking movie you already had to sell a fucking testicle to afford.

Now let me tell you some things about the world.

1. Dick-wipes like to parallel park right up next to your fucking bumper. In some cities they even paint you these mile-long fucking spots so your cock-ass donkey-fucking pussy fart ass of a shit car can have seventy miles of space between it and the formidable red zone. Yet douche bags will put their fucking trick ass Mustangs right up in your grill, because you never know—a fucking fire truck may have to park in that red zone and everyone knows they don’t gots now rear view. Then when you try to drive out, you have to play fucking bumpercar between the two salty-labias that parked up in your shit, and bystanders stare at you like you’re some fucking joke. Needless to say they have one fucking hand up their ass and the other one texting their Burger King boyfriends on their iCocks.

2. Engadget is run by a bunch of tiny fedora wearing, cum-glazing, cheetah-raping, pussy-shoving, latte-drinking hipster nut bags who go to work at 11 AM and go home by 7 PM so they can masturbate to videos of kittens fainting. They are a bunch of self-serving shit-cocks, and are the scurge of the Internet. See, I remember a time when the Internet had information that came from two sources: commercial entities, and well-informed exploratory nerds. Now, it’s full of fucking idiots who majored in basketweaving at Brown University and think that because they don’t get cramps texting anymore that they are certainly worthy of listening to. So they write awesome blog posts and people come to lick the scrotals, which gets them to write more fucking shitty blog posts. If I had a fucking nuke I would nuke the Internet and go back to BBS’s so I could get trustworthy assembly code for ripping MP3’s off my CD drive without some dirty cock-weasel trying to sell me a fucking $3 power supply for $45 because it looks cool.

You see, Engadget reviewed WMC and told me it was awesome. I was sick of TiVo, and when Charter Cable fucked me over by cutting my channels in half (but hell, I got to keep those great montly rates) I finally had to make the switch to HD and get a Frankenstein-sized antenna to get free TV. So fuck paying any mother-fucking clown shitter for anything. So when Engadget told me WMC was the best shit since sliced pussy, I built a computer using Intel’s awesome new “let’s pack the graphics processor inside the main processor so all the heat is in one place and oh don’t forget your computer will still be as big because hard drives are huge and shit-cocking Chinese engineers don’t give a fuck about designing a computer case that isn’t a fucking ‘tard” processor. The computer has HDMI and even the fucking sound can go through there—can you imagine using a standard to its fullest? Yeah, me neither. Fucking brilliant.

$700 later I was rockin’ it with Windows 7 x64 and WMC. Even better, I bought a fucking tuner card from Haupaspaspfapsdfpaspdasge (can they spell their own fucking name?) which came with a remote so I didn’t have to knowingly buy some Chin-Chong shit. Well, that’s another great one. The remote plugs into the card. The card plugs into PCI-e. PCI-e can’t fucking wake the computer from fucking sleep. Whaaa? You cannot turn the computer on from the remote! Welcome to 1972.

So off with its penis head; I got a Kim Jong Ill wireless texting keypad for when you miss typing on your fucking dumbphone. It’s cool, because it’s about the size of a wide remote, and it comes with this great multi-touch pad which allows you to do awesome things like turn your mouse icon into a magnifying glass but not actually zoom in to the page. Well at least now I can type into the search boxes, and since this cock-shit is USB, I can wake the fucking computer.

Anyway, free TV sucks, as you all know, so Netflix was going to be my savior. Cool, I can browse so fast on my fucking 20 GHz processor. This is fucking awesome. So I go to watch some Southpark. Netflix was such a fucking genius when they combined all seasons under one icon; now I can scroll through a list of 900 items instead of one with only 15 or so. At first I didn’t even see a play button. The fuck? Then I exited and went back and the play appeared. “Oh,” I told myself with $700 worth of angst, “it’s making sure I don’t accidentally play a shitty fucking show and regret it forever.” I note this nice feature where, after each episode, it shows a little progress bar that shows how much I’ve watched of it. That’s awesome, because now I know exactly at which point in each MacGyver episode I cum and start feeling guilty.

So I figure, if this cock-fest knows how much of each episode I’ve watched, it must know which episode I watched last. So I click pay on the Southpark main screen and this shitty giggle starts on season 1 episode 1. Shit cock monkey tit?

To make a long story short, it plays whatever the fuck episode it wants—that is, when it shows you the fucking play button at all. In fact, I’ve hit play from the main screen, then gone back to the episode list and chosen another one, watched the entire fucking thing (until it took me back to the main menu, to assure it was 100%), and when I hit play on the program screen again it starts where I left off on the wrong it episode it last played. Holy shit, it’s like they made a fucking effort to make it like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with closed-source free software. There is no incentive to do anything right with it and the users can go fuck themselves. Those of you who, because of mental defficiency, still insist on using Opera, know exactly what I’m talking about. Netflix couldn’t care less because they are getting your monthly fee whether you’re watching the episode you want or not. And Microsoft isn’t making any money off any of this because you likely slutted your copy of Windows 7 from Captain Blackbits. So you and your WMC desires can go both fuck themselves by watching your shows from a fucking browser. Wait, I have to go to a browser to watch shows I pay for? You know what else you can do from a fucking browser? Find some mother fucking torrents. So fuck you back, you chode licking shit-banging fucktard.

What did the cock-shits at Engagingidiots say? I quote:

All that being said, the TiVo Netflix interface is down right pitiful compared to most, and at the other end of the spectrum is Media Center’s.

You’ve got to be pulling on my unlubed cock with a love glove, right?

The Media Center Netflix interface integrates well with the rest of Media Center, offers lots of extras, and looks fantastic. It really is a great example of what is possible in Media Center when effort is applied. But that brings up the question of where is the effort?

I’ll tell you what effort is. It’s scraping dry cum and blood from my grandma’s love glove, since clearly you have never fucking used the Netflix plugin for WMC, because it sucks hairy gorilla balls.

TiVo has way more official partners, and other than Netflix, Media Center doesn’t really have any worth mentioning. So while Media Center takes this one in quality, it loses in quantity. But of course there are plenty of other unofficial add-ins for Media Center too.

Fuck you, too.

Since attempting to use WMC I’ve gotten:

1. The realization that it blows.
2. A shitty pint-sized keyboard that works sometimes.
3. Computer freezes.
4. Blue screens of death (haven’t seen them since XP while fucking pirated USB-powered ass plugs).
5. Complete lack of respect for the idiots at Engadget.

What’s more hillarious is that I have to type this in Notepad because something in my giant, overcomplicated home network has decided to croak and I can’t even see my own fucking router.

I got your WMC right here

I got your WMC right here.

So what’s the alternative? Nothing:

1. TiVo has shitty ass devices and horrendous fees. Also they like to fuck you in the ass blisters. If you’re lucky enough not to have to develop an infrared power grid to get the TiVo to control the garbage your cable provider gives you, you’ll still fight with the Devil himself—cablecard and the untrained idiots who are told to deliver and “set up”.

2. Moxi can suck all your monkey balls. For $200 more you can build an actual computer which will (unimagniably) be faster than your TI-85 and also allow you to blow away people in Counterstrike as well as blow a wad all over your stomach with a 46″ LED pussy plastered on your TV (that’s porn, people).

3. Your cable provider will make you think that you’re saving money by paying slightly less for information they already give you when you get a DVR from them. However, Scientific Atlanta has no product design team—I can assure you of this. So whatever few dollars you think you are saving over TiVo you will spend getting meds to get over the insane amount of cock blasting you’ll have to do to convince yourself that this set up is not a complete and total piece of living chicken shit.

4. Don’t think you can go the Linux route like MythTV or something. If you think that an industry full of hungry butt-stabbing lawyers is ever going to make it easy for a bunch of nerds to create something useful, you’ve got your head up your greasy ass. I already tried that route and the fucking thing can barely change channels. You think doing this in Winblows was bad? Yeah. Try going “broken source”.

Actually, I’ll tell you what the only alternative is. Other than going to live in a cave, since having nothing is better than having a bunch of crap. The only alternative is to pirate everything. Want to see a sporting event? Go to a fucking bar, and cover your body in interconnected zip-lock bags full of everclear so you can get drunk for free. Want to watch a movie? Rip it off the fucking Internet 3 days before it comes out at Viagra-Mann’s Chinese Theater. Want to watch your old favorites? Do the same. Do you think going to see old Colbert Report episodes on the official site sucks because it’s not full HD? Punch yourself in the face until your own pussy hairs look blurry, and you won’t be able to tell the fucking difference.

So fuck the world. And it’s only going to get worse. The generation before us created this wonderful technology; we got to grow it and cultivate it; now these cock-fuckers are opening up McDonald’s and giving our great ingrediants a bad name. There is no turning back; the only way out is underground.

Shit, did you get this far looking for a review? WMC sucks, and so does everything else, so you may as well go with your cable provider’s DVR so you can call them every month and bitch about how shitty it is so they keep you on the promotional price for the rest of your life.

2 Comments

  1. Jawsh McChigglesby

    I’m glad I tuned in for another episode of Donkeypuss. This shit is amazing!

    Posted on 10-Jul-11 at 18:41 | Permalink
  2. Vicky Victorinox

    The love glove will never look the same to me, now.

    Posted on 13-Jul-11 at 17:58 | Permalink

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